Alpha Delta Chi

I had an awesome weekend until tonight. I went to Mentone, AL with my sorority sisters Friday night and stayed until Sunday morning at a girl's camp on Lookout Mountain (which is located in TN,AL and GA). My time there was the most awesome experience of my college life so far(socially). I finally feel like I'm in a sorority because at sometimes I just felt like I was in a club. I finally spent quality time with my sisters. I feel like I have bonded not only with the girls from the Sigma chapter but also national board members and girls from other ADChi chapters... especially our neophyte chapters Tau, Upsilon and Chi. The girls were so precious, sweet and funny. I wanted to cry for joy in how God is working through me, in me and before my eyes. It's absolutely spellbinding. His plans always develop into something gorgeous. I feel so blessed to be apart of Alpha Delta Chi and so blessed that God has chosen me for this organization and His kingdom. Did you know that Fort Payne, AL was the sock capital of USA. The more intimately I see the south, the more endearing it becomes to me and right now I really don't want to be anywhere else. I'ma Southern Belle. By heart and geography, that's what I'm meant to be. My southern accent has gone haywire this weekend especially when I was at Riverview Camp with the Bama girls! All of my lovely neophyte sisters have the most musical southern drawls one can imagine. They are absolutely precious. I had so much fun there. I have to do ADChi stuff more often. I am so excited about what God has in store for me. I am able to be linked to all of these wonderful Christian girls who love to laugh and smile and have fun.

Anyways, so after I got back Sunday morning from ALabama, I went to church with Sean and that was cool. Unfortunately what we talked about is blurry right now seeing as how I was absolutely delirious from just getting back to ATL. I know it was one of the topics from Systematic Theology though, exploring what we know about the characteristics of God based solely on scripture. Yeah so that was Sunday during the say, then that night I began hardcore studying for my EAS test today that I hope gets cancelled because I'm not ready. I got into bed at 4am and I woke up around noon to wash my hair. I went to Sean's House and took my books with me to study there while he took his lil sis and bro to see a movie. His house is almost like a home-away-from-home for me. It feels all comfy and homey and stuff. It's a nice escape from school. Anyways I read most of my chapters for EAS and worked some problems unsucessfully. I don't like EAS. I think it's extremely boring and I will be taking Biology next semester, which probably won't be any better but it has to be a little more interesting than stupid EAS.
So here I am unprepared for my EAS test and hoping that the storm will cause it to be cancelled (because he did mention cancelling it in case of bad conditions. Heavy rain is supposed to be starting around 4am tonight so I'm praying and crossing my fingers.

So that's what's up with me, but what's UP with ME?

Well, I've been majorly stressed out recently with Rush being all last week and being really busy with that in addition to all of the school work that was due last week and being a PL and tutoring and WAM Committee stuff and all kinds of meetings. I can officially say that I'm burnt out heading into what is only the FOURTH week of this semester and I don't forsee it getting any better, just more intense. What matters is how I handle this pressure. I knew I was taking on a lot when I signed up for all this stuff, but I also knew that God would bear with me through it all if I would turn to Him. Well, I have been ultra-slow with the whole "turning to Him" part. I'm still feeling like I have to do all of this on my own and I'm running myself ragged. I feel like he's up in heaven giggling while watching me run around like a spastic hamster trying to take care of everything and everyone. His burden is light and that's the one I want, but I don't know why it's so hard for me to hand my burdens over to the One that can take care of everything. He didn't make me because He needed Me...ohh no. I exist because I need Him. That sounds twisted doesn't it? In my needing Him and turning to Him, He will thus be glorified. God is so deep it is impossible to wrap our minds completely around the concept of who He is and how everything works Spiritually though we may try our best. So yeah, I have concluded that I will sink or swim this semester. I will sink if I don't ask Him to take on my stuff for me...but why is that so hard? I ask for his hand in my relationship daily but let all my other wordly things fall to the wayside thinking I am in control but I'm not and everything can and will crumble if the Holy Spirit is not the mortar between the building blocks of my life. Why can't I just reach out to Him and say "Lord, I can't do this on my own. I can't do anything without you. I'm nothing without you." Pride SUCKs and I'm just too stubborn to make the most efficient decision and what should be the easiest one. What am I afraid of? Am I afraid that God can't handle it either? Am I afraid that handing everything over to God makes me a cop out? Do I cling to everything because it makes me secure? because I'm unworthy to be loved by God so much that he wants to ease my burdens? It's probably a combination of all these things. Well, I don't want to be prideful anymore. I want to be humble and submissive to God's will in my life. I want to hand the reigns over...give him the paintbrush and see what my life's canvas begins to look like. I bet it will be amazing to see. I just wish I didn't keep clinging to traces of who I used to be. I can't straddle the line between God and the World. I'm either a child of the world or a child of God and I realize that I can't do both. Trying to do both is stressful.
"No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."~Luke 16:13

I'm learning the lesson mentioned in that scripture the hard way but instead of money being the other master, it's the world and its ways. I have been pulled out of the ways but I feel like Lot's wife sometimes...looking back, but I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK!!! God knows my heart is with him but I struggle with human weakness and though I see God working in me, through me and before me He's not so tangible to me as I would like Him to be...and I know I'm doing so much stuff that my spiritual life has been going through a downward spiral that is evident in aspect of my life but God I don't know what needs to be removed from the equation. Maybe there is no equation. I know I can just look to Him for guidance and He will take care of the details, but why is that yet so hard to do?! It all seems so simple "Let Go and Let God" Right? I don't feel like doing this Georgia Tech thing anymore at times... I feel like being anywhere but here a lot. Maybe another school is a better fit for me, but then I think about how much I like the school and how close I am to escaping it. It's an obvious love/hate relationship but sometimes I really do feel like I should have transferred at the end of last year. Do I really want to be here still? Am I just fooling myself into thinking there is something keeping me here that isn't just in my own head?

Jesus walks with me and yet I don't turn to him and ask all of the hard questions I face daily. That's my focus this week...prayer without ceasing. I feel like He's sitting somewhere near me day in and day out waiting for me to acknowledge his divine presence and just TALK to Him. He loves me. He chose me. It's all about the love of Jesus and the sooner my existence is in touch with that fact, the better.


"But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."~Luke 12:48

(I probably should get in bed now... I think I'm disturbing poo Hui now... I'm sorry Hui-San. )
Posted on 9.6.2004 at 12:38 AM