Today is the ugliest day and it hasn't really gotten started yet. It started very badly at like 12am and went downhill from there. I am feeling absolutely crappy right now and all I can do is fight tears. I am afraid to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up and realize that this is what's really going. I don't want to face the reality of tonight's decision. I am so sad. I don't want to go to class or lab or anything today and I don't want to eat or anything. I don't want any pity though. I guess that's what I want least. I'm writing this journal to express my feelings, not to get hugs or anything like that. I can't believe this happened, but was it inevitable and I saw it coming all along and just didn't stop it. Was I just stupid? I don't like things this way. I think I held it together pretty well a few hours ago, but now that it's dark and my roomate's asleep I guess it's safe to cry while listening to "Split Screen Sadness" on my computer. This is really bad. I never thought I'd have to make a decision like this. It's weird because although I'm unhappy about it I still have a peace about my decision. I called mommy and she feels like I made the right decision. but I don't like it. I keep fighting the impulse to just go out and drive until whenever. This is the last place I want to be with the pink flowers he made me and all of the things that remind me of him. His name tag from this random conference he went to, the hat he bought me, this cross and necklace he picked out and bought for me, all of the pictures of him in my digital camera, the recent calls in my phone, the Ninja Turtles blanket on my bed, the devotional books, my bible, my suitcase, my shoes, my hands, everything. I am hurting so bad right now. I really want to just curl up into a ball or something, but I'm too cool for that right now. I would feel weird. I'm supposed to be ok with this right? Well I'm really not, but I am kinda stuck here because I don't need to just glaze over the issue again. It just sounds so stupid when I think of the issue, but when you think of it broadly, it really isn't and I shoulda been wise about it all along. God I'm so upset and sad right now. I realize how much I need You when there is nothing or no one else...maybe that's the point I'm supposed to be getting here. I need You to help me make it through today because I know that I can't on my own.
No comments:
Post a Comment