Yay! I got to hang out with my homegirl today, Cicely. It was cool. We went shopping, ran into a few folk from high school (the reason we don't usually go shopping in augusta). It was good getting to see Danielle though. She's a sweetie. But yeah, Augusta is still Augusta. I guess everyone just looks extra un-sophisticated now (not like that's a word). I guess leaving metro Atlanta and coming back here, the general make up of Augusta just looks a little country and what not...or maybe ghetto is the word I'm searching for. This dude with gold fangs tried to holla at Cicely. He seemed nice, but fangs? No one tried to holla at me. I keep telling myself it's because I wasn't dressed all that cutely, but I think I'm not attractive to random guys anymore at first glance. I guess that feels kinda weird, but it's cool. I mean I don't want to be approached. That's not what I would call positive attention. Maybe I give off this "taken" aura or something. That's what I want to give off though. Man, walking around the mall tonight it was like "wow." Being in the mall so late at night USED to be a really BIG deal to me and Cicely and now its just "whatever." I was just thinking about things and it's funny how when you are younger and trying to act all cool and be all cute and get everyone's attention, you never stop to think about how you'll appear to yourself 5 years later in retrospect of that present moment. I could see shadows of myself in the little mall walkways and I saw myself in the overdressed young teens and I was grateful that God had matured me out of that. Looking back, my mindset just seems so ultra-stupid to me and all, just the whole let's grab some guys attention and collect numbers, that's really just NOT me anymore. I would like to think that with maturity came wisdom for me, but only God really knows about that one. Perhaps I am a bit wiser. I think I am. I am definitely able to see things for what they are a little better, but I think that comes with the continual process of God's lifting the veil from over my eyes as I grow in the Holy Spirit. Yes, definitely a process this whole thing. If you were to go back and read a entry from exactly a year, I would hope that you would find a seemingly different person than now. You certainly would if you flipped to Fall 2003. Oh I love this time of year. It symbolizes a new beginning for me. Yes, I have a new year's revolution...well and handful of them. One is to spend at least an hour a day with God and another is to spend more time for myself instead of being pulled in fifty thousand million directions. I really want to find out what my Destiny is in Christ Jesus, but I'm not acting like a person who wants to find out because a person who really wanted to know would be persistently asking God with each and every breath. Maybe I am scared to find out what it might really be. In a moment life can so totally change without any warning. But anyway, resolutions, get my BUTT to the gym so I can reclaim fine (if I ever really had "it"). This mini-gut thing I have going on is just absolutely NOT acceptable at all. I wouldn't want to develop a full-blown gut and fast food: just say NO! Those are a few of the things I have to flip around for 2005. I believe that those things (mainly the one's referring to God) are really going to change and shape my life. I have to rearrange my time and re-prioritize. I have to make a list of what things are important to me and in what order...an HONEST list of how things are with me priority-wise and a list of how my priorities SHOULD be. I have to make changes to my life were needed. I'm definitely only going to be devoting my time to the things that are in like the top 5. There is just not enough time or effort to do EVERY SINGLE ACTIVITY or thing that I might possibly think is "cute" or worth doing. I refuse to spend my life a slave to the direction in which society is moving. I need to spend some time getting back to the source. I have to bring it back or I'm going to lose who I am in God. I will NOT be a slave to cell phone and email and all of that. I love that, but I absolutely refuse to run around like a chicken with my head cut off this semester. I have to do so much better with my time. I do think making the priority list will help a lot if I am honest with myself.
Yeah so I know exactly what it is that I really really really want for Christmas, but I know that it is something I must wait on. I have become so impatient, but I still believe that I am still being mature about it. At least I am maybe acting patient. When I get to the point where I have let loose, then that won't be acceptable. I saw a falling/shooting star tonight. It was kinda cool. I didn't think those really exist...as a matter of fact I thought Cicely was seeing things, but then I saw one and she was like you should make a wish, and I was like "I don't make wishes" but on the real...I decided to make one, but it was my Christmas wish verbatim. What is a wish though? and what in the world is a "Christmas wish?" My wish won't come true until it ceases to be the desire of my heart, because currently what should be the desire of my heart is misplaced and until it's in the right place I couldn't partake in the wish that I placed on the shooting star, which was made by God. I definitely didn't address the shooting/falling star when I was wishing...what does "it" know? I guess I've never been superstitious really, but now I have every reason to know that I shouldn't be. Nothing happens by mere chance you know. I miss Sean a lot. I don't like this whole distance during the holidays thing...it doesn't amuse me one bit. That's the story of my life though. I can't have everyone I love around me during Christmas. I have to pick between my Mom (and stepdad and baby sis) and my biological Dad (and sis and stepmom) both of whom I love dearly, to spend Christmas. God forbid I have THREE households to choose from when trying to choose a Christmas location. Most married couples usually have 2 families to divide there visits between. I have 3 and my husband would certainly inherit the extra. It's cool though. Two families means you're twice as loved because I've also inherit two sets of step grandparents. My stepmom's family is ok. I still feel like a stepchild when dealing with them for the most part. But my stepdad's family is AWESOME. I never knew that I, someone who joined the family at the age of 6, could be so loved and so normally treated. I mean, I KNOW they love me and they don't see me as some freakish girl that belongs to their son's (brother's, cousin's) wife. I always feel quite the opposite around my stepmother's family in New Orleans. I've always felt like the sore thumb out down there and around her people. She's treated me like a daughter for the most part I guess, but she always refers to me as her stepdaughter or "George's girl." I guess that's part of why I don't particularly care for spending Christmas in New Orleans...over ever again for that matter. I would rather be with my mom and my second dad (he's not a stepfather to me at all). I know that here at home we won't have the awkward moments and the crappy gifts that were bought just so it could be said that they bought me a present. I mean, one year I got some tarnished earrings!...and if I get ONE more set of lotion I will probably just scream or something. I am so sick of being an afterthought. I want to be surrounded by love this holiday and stress-free. That's what I'm going for this Christmas. I can spend all day in pajamas and I won't be exposed to second-hand smoke of any kind and I won't have to act like I'm really happy about gifts that were thoughtless. Yeah, I know it's the thought that counts so if you were thinking "I really don't want to get George's daughter a gift or anything, but I'll just get her something because I have to" well this year you can keep your mess and leave it in the store or give the re-gifted gift to someone else, because I don't want it anymore. I am so glad to be HOME now. Anyone reading this right now, if you ever inherit a stepchild, treat them like and consider them your own and insist that your family do the same. Don't play favorites. The blood of flesh really ain't that thick...it's water. The blood of Christ is thick and that's the common bond that we all share as Christians. Ok, so I obviously got some things off my chest. I wonder if there's anyone reading this who kinda experienced the same things I've experienced with the whole stepchild-ish thing and the never a christmas with mom thing.
I bet you're wondering why the title of this journal is "soup kitchen." Well, I get to go serve at the soup kitchen about 8 hours from now. Therefore, I am now going to bed.
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